hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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