I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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