my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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