On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
