last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
