Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
