I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
