The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
