hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
