if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Be still, my beating vagina.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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