I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
