I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
