so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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