turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
