walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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