Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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