Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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