I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
