Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
