he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
