i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
