dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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