Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
