Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
