: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
