If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
