I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just gift wrapped bread.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
