He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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