You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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