Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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