oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
