someone threw a dead crab at me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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