i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
