I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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