The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
