I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
and you fell through a lawn chair
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
