I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
