I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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