If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
