like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Randomize
