you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
