So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
