I can tuck mytits in my pants
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
