you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
