hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
