Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You just made me feel so damn special
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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