Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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