She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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