Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
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He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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