Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
