I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
