i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
