dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
