When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
