Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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