I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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