a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
