gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
