I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
