I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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