I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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