OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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