The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
